Monday, May 23, 2011

Neguinha

neguinha noun /nɝ~ɹ̩giˈɲa/
1: little black lady
2: term of endearment used to refer to any girl in slang portuguese
3: common term of endearment in Brazil, equivalent to my sweet girl


Lucinda woke up early, the sun light hitting her closed eyes mercilessly. It was summer, but it wouldn't make a difference if it wasn't, really. In Salvador, everyday was summertime. In those early years of the 60's, the water of the stream of ocean between Ribeira, the peninsula where she lived, and the rest of the city where clear and calm. Good for fisher and for whomever decided to bathe there. The sand was white and Lucinda would have to cross only two streets from the doorsteps of her house to reach the point where the sand invaded the streets.

But Lucinda couldn't find the other piece of her two piece bikini that they. Her friends would be sunbathing in the white sand, laying down on towels, and she would have to stay home and maybe even do the chores. Wash, clean and seam.

Lucinda would rather go to the beach with one piece of her two piece bikini.

But it was the early 60's in the shores of Brazil, the sands of Ribeira where not the sands of the famous Leblon beach in Rio, where celebrities would display the newest trends from America and Europe and the nude movement had not reached Lucinda's neighborhood. The term "topless" was just unknown to the people of Ribeira.

Nevertheless, she was resolved. She put on the one piece of the two piece bikini she could find under a white cotton dress and charged to the sand barefoot, as it was per usual in that neighborhood involved by the see.

At first Lucinda didn't saw them, because they where covered by a boat anchored near the margin of the see, but close by the place where she decided to put her towel down and wait for her friends where a group of boys on the water, masturbating to the sight of a white lady that was sunbathing 100 feet or so from Lucinda.

As one by one the boys finished, a couple of Lucinda's friends arrived with a huge sunshade dismounted in two pieces. Daniela, black as coal, had the habit of carrying a sunshade, even if it was rather impossible she would get a tan with such darker skin, but maybe she had hopes that she would grow whiter, if she would hide from the glorious sun of Salvador. Maria, café au lait, the bastard child of a white man from the South with the black maid that served his house didn't really care about the tan she would get, so neither of them mounted the two piece sunshade, they just let it there, laying in the sand by the towels, while they talked.

It was when Daniela and Maria took of her sundresses to sunbath properly, that it all happened, almost at once.

Lucinda, whose flushed cheeks by embarrassment couldn't be seen because of her dark complexion, took off her white cotton dress, and reveled her expose, small breasts, with nipples the color of melted caramel, just a tad lighter than her skin.

The sight was neither repulsive -- for her breasts were beautifully sized -- nor overly sexual, so small they where, being Lucinda only 16 and still in the early stages of her blossoming into a woman.

But it really doesn't matter how they really were, because being them beautiful or ugly, sexual or not, Lucinda's breasts, with young, perky nipples, put her friends running with such a terror that they forgot to take both their beach towels and the sunshade, which ended up being very fortunate to Lucinda, since seconds after Daniela and Maria run away, the boys where getting out of water.

At first, when one of them saw Lucinda topless, the boys just pointed and laughed, but soon they started to trow sand at her, in the lack of other heavier things in the surroundings to throw. If you had asked them why they were throwing sand at Lucinda, they wouldn't really know how to answer.

But Lucinda, topless and afraid that the boys would bet to close and harass her, grabbed the one half of the sunshade that consisted of a wooden stick with metallic clasp in one of the tips, and started to swing it, drawing a circle of protection around herself, in which the boys couldn't get in, provided they intended to not get hit.

Full of sand and topless, holding the makeshift bat in her hands, Lucinda escaped from the rowdy boys.

Protected by her victory and by her bat, she walked proudly to her house, two blocks from the beach, covered in sand and displaying her chest.

She heard some catcalls from local fishmen and drunks, and the one gap of horror from the nun that passed by her, on the way to the church, but her steps didn't faltered.

The next Sunday she went to the beach again, this time waking the two blocks from her doorsteps to the sand barefoot and with her chest exposed.

There, the boys ignored her, and she was rather amused to see that Daniela, Maria and some other friends where laying on their towels with nipples exposed, but she didn't joined them.

She laid down by herself, enjoying the sun heating her brown skin, right hand holding that half of the sunshade, just in case.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

eu preciso de um novo layout.

porque não quero mais escrever, se depois tenho que olhar pra esse layout feio...

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

about insomnia again

I think I slept restlessly for 1:30 hours today. Sadly, that's all the sleep I'm gonna get in 2 days.

Location:E Riverside Dr,Austin,United States

about insomnia again

It's been 3 hours of me trying to sleep.

I've taken a bath, I've read and I've even laid and closed my eyes. Yet, I've never been more awake than I am now.

Location:E Riverside Dr,Austin,United States

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

about being exhausted

My eyes don't feel like staying open. My back hurts. But if you talk to me, if your argument catches my attention, those eyes will shine, almost subtly, while I argue back with you.

Ideas are fuel. I eat the fire they feed me, my mind grows stronger, but my body is so tired. I need rest, I need peace, I need time to hear the silence and time to glance into nothing.

--
from the iPhone / do iPhone

Location:W 21st St,Austin,United States

about post-its.

I don't have time, so I steal it. I wish I had three, four hours for myself. I really wish I could sleep. Sometimes I think about getting my head checked, but then I don't have time for that either.

I steal the minutes between a library lock down, 4 hours of study, until I can't think of different ways to calculate enthalpy and entropy anymore, until the number scramble in front of my eyes, and a packed lecture for an oncoming test.

I'm thinking maybe I need glasses, maybe my vision is not perfect anymore. Too much time reading, to much time in front of a screen. I wore glasses for a couple of months when I was 11 or 12. They gave me terrible headaches.

I don't have time for myself, so I steal it. I use the scraps of time between one busy our and the other to read. The only time I can use to read is inside the bus, or before I sleep. But every second I use to read, is a second less of sleep. I can't afford to lose sleep. I was such a good sleeper before. I would wake up 4 or 5 times a night, check if my wallet was inside my bag, if my phone was charged, if my alarm clock was properly set, if the door was lock, if my car was still in the parking lot.

Everything is always in order. I never forget, I never fail. But still, I wake up to check. Maybe, if I didn't woke up to check I would forgot.

I steal the scraps of time to not be lonely. I call my loves. I call my family, my dear friends, my lover. They warm my hart like the hot summer breeze. Like winning a well deserved prize. I coming home. But I'm not at home. I should go home, I think. But I can't.

I steal time to cry. Sometimes I cry while I work, just so I don't lose time with tears.

Sometimes I think I really should get my head checked. But I don't want to be drugged and I don't want to talk to people that I don't trust.

I know I'm not sick. I'm just homesick and stressed and lonely and tired and hopeless.

My time is up. I have to run yet to another class.

I want to write lovely, funny, nice, encouraging notes in post-it blocks and spread the love, the hope and the laughter wherever I go. Maybe if I have the illusion I'm making strangers love, hope and laugh I will be able to smile some more, to rest some more, to sleep a lot more.

Monday, May 2, 2011

about now

I haven't slept well for weeks. I'm forgetting how does it feel like to be rested, to feel happy. I'm eating too much and food doesn't satisfy. So I it more, but it still doesn't satisfy.

Then I look in the mirror and I see what I don't want to be like.

I'm stressed. I feel like my shoulders are made of stones. I want to sleep until the semester ends.

I feel like writing and I have a bunch of ideas. I don't have time to write. Have to study. Have to plane. Have to learn how to become a doctor fast. The clock is ticking. It is always ticking.

As I write now, I feel like writing, but I know I can't. I still have to study. I still have to spend the whole day at school tomorrow.

I will write soon. And then maybe I will rest. I just which I wouldn't dream. I really wish I could sleep.